The Social Sex Revolution Podcast Episode 1— Transcript

Bex: So, well, before we dig into anything, first one, I’ll have you all introduce yourselves to the listeners. Thank you.

Lady M: Thank you. I’m Lady M.

Mr. C: yeah, this is lady M and I’m Mr. C and together we’re Malimi.

Bex: Excellent. Yes. And we met through you’ve been submitting videos to MakeLoveNotPorn that as long as I’ve been there, I think and I’m curious if you could tell us a little bit about like, how you discovered, MakeLoveNotPorn and what got you excited about sharing your videos there?

Lady M: Well, we just celebrated our two year anniversary with MakeLoveNotPorn and actually at the end of November. So that was really exciting for us. Mr. C introduced us to MakeLoveNotPorn.

Mr. C: Yeah. Yeah. Many, many years ago on the podcast Savage Love with Dan Savage. I believe he actually interviewed Cindy. It was a full-on interview. And she talked about MakeLoveNotPorn and mentioned her Ted talk, which I checked out. And that was a long time ago. And at that time I was in a fairly sexless situation and it just got filed on the back burner in my brain. And then lady M came along post-divorce and at the beginning of a new life and just by way of conversation we were talking about Dan Savage and it came up and I had mentioned the site…

Lady M: And porno cause we were trying to find More ethical, more real world pornography to watch.

Mr. C: Yeah, that’s right. And we looked at things like Erica Lust and her series of videos that she made a lot of very feminist porn…

Bex: Ah yes, X Confessions?

Mr. C: Yeah, and we came across Lily Cade of all people. Who’s actually also an MLNPstar. And then we got to talking about it and we went to To check out the Ted talk first and Lady M heard what Cindy had to say. And then we went to the site and we signed up and I think it was, I believe it was Colingray, Honey&Bear…There was a couple that sat out Modesty Ablaze, the first videos that we watched and we were instantly hooked. We liked the idea. And then we started talking about maybe making a video ourselves. We’d been sending dirty pictures to each other as many people do. And so I should let lady M jump in there.

Lady M: Oh, I think also we, we really believed in the platform and what MLNP stands for. And. Well, I know personally, I had never imagined that I would be ever sharing my real world sex. We just felt so much, so we believe so much in it that we absolutely felt that we had to put something out there.

Mr. C: Yeah, it was sort of like putting your money where your mouth is, you know we were enjoying this view into real people’s real bedrooms or living rooms or vans or wherever they are, and felt that it was only fair that we give the same. And share the same. And, and by doing that, we can expand the variety and diversity of what’s on the site.

We’ve seen a few comments where people are appreciative of what we do in our videos. Cause it’s either given them new things to think about or given them sort of licensed to try it themselves. And I think that’s what this is all about, you know, normalizing things that maybe aren’t considered traditionally normal, but really actually are.

So it’s the revolution part of it, I love that, you know, you can’t see that. I just did the fist of Social Sex Revolution! You know, the internet’s full of really, really. Sort of, I don’t know, misguided porn, I guess these Barbie dolls with cum all over their face, making unearthly sounds that have nothing to do with how they’re actually feeling in the shoot, I’m sure. And it’s so nice to see people giggle and laugh, fall off the bed. You know, these kinds of things that make it real, you know, Yeah, I guess that’s how we got started. Yeah. Once you start to can’t stop, it seems.

Bex: It reminds me of what my friend, Kate McCombs calls being a beacon of permission, which is definitely something I’ve kind of taken hard about the way I live my life, which is just not hiding the things that I enjoy and the way I live my life and the things that have meaning to me, because the amount of times I’ve just been, you know, loudly, trans somewhere, or talking about being polyamorous to someone. And I’m the first person they’ve met, who does that, who can do that thing, and just seeing someone else doing it and like being happy and, you know, reasonably successful and all of that gives them permission to.. Oh, that like, that never even occurred to me as a possibility until I saw someone else doing that. And it sounds like that’s a lot of what you were looking to do when you shared your videos as well.

Lady M: I think so. I think it’s also interesting to point out that we do do this anonymously for personal reasons, but we do definitely try and practice what we preach when we’re interacting with our friends. We might not fully come out to all our friends of what we’re doing, but a few select ones definitely know and the friends that don’t, we still try and encourage sex positivity and open dialogue. And, but we have the luck of that we can be anonymous right now on MLNP and still be able to put out fun videos.

Bex: Yeah. And, and I mean, there’s also like a range of circumstances and environments and ability to be out about different things, right? But even just sharing the videos as anonymous on the site, there are definitely, like you mentioned you’ve had comments where people saw you doing things that they’re like, wow. I didn’t even think I could. But like you said, you’ve, once you get started, like you tiptoed into it, it sounds like because you, you know, we’re trying to make this statement. But you’ve stuck with it and you’ve shared over 50 videos with us. I’m curious if you have a favorite of those.

Mr. C: Oh, wow. Oh, wow. That’s. That’s a great question. A favorite there’s the ones that really stand out, just in terms of how many views they’ve had. I’m astounded! There’s one, Back In A Real Bed . It’s beautiful. The lighting’s beautiful. The sun was coming through the window, just so.. Our skin against the blankets, like it was, just everything came together with that one. But then there’s, Everybody Gets Fucked . That was like a marathon of doing it. And I often think like when I’m, when I’m an older, older guy and, and I’m maybe not able to be quite so how so much stamina, it’ll be lots of fun to watch that again and to remember that and to share it. And it’s had tons of views too. So apparently people enjoy that one as well.

But I, you know, it’s really tough. There’s probably a, maybe an eighth of our videos or nights are videos that were videos we made while we were editing a video. We get so turned on by ourselves watching it and editing it and blurring the faces and whatnot. And we ended up having sex and it’s like, well, throw the camera on. So it’s fun. And there is one that I’m particularly proud of right now is the well, gosh, it’s got a long name. It was Fun. Finger Fire, Fuck. Toys, Iron and Earth . Yeah.

I’m, I’m sort of a loud and proud fan of the menstruation cycle. It’s what brings us all into the world. It’s something that I think is magical and wonderful and powerful. And I love that Lady M lets me go there and enjoy that and be able to take part. There’s a little tiny bit of vampire thing going on there as well.

But pretty much if it comes out of Lady M I want it in my mouth. So there’s a couple of exceptions there. Let’s just add, there’s a couple of exceptions there. But, I think it’s something that’s really sad that women often are sort of put in some other room while they have their period. There’s nothing wrong with sex during your period, and it can relieve cramps. There’s all kinds of benefits to it, right. The stuff it releases in your brain is good for you. And so I would encourage people to, to not consider that no access time. it’s nature’s lube too like, come on, nature’s lube! Anyway, Lady M is smiling. She’s got a nice blush here. I wish you could see it.

So that one is mine..Is there one, particular, that you’re proud of?

Lady M: Well, Everybody Gets Fucked is when I really like. Back in the early days and not a big rental, but it was fun was Festive Feet . We also have a few select films that were filmed in other family members’ houses without them knowing.

And it’s always a little bit of fun to remember.

Mr. C: We get a kick out of that. There was a Christmas tree that wasn’t ours. That was fun, but yeah. Yeah. Lots of great memories. And, and with the number of videos we’ve put in, there’s not starting to blur, but we have to go back and look ourselves to remember, like, take one, take two, take three. Those are, it seems so long ago. So yeah. Thank you for being there and for giving us a platform to be able to have this experience it’s made our sex lives better and better and better.

Bex: Yeah, there there’s so much that stands out from that for me, like, first of all, I really love that y’all have shared the videos of you having sex during Lady M’s period. We do have those kinds of videos from other people, but often when I hear people talk about period sex, it is like, A caveat. It is like, well, I’m not going to let that stop me. Right. Or it is, Oh, we do backdoor play there. Or that’s blowjob week, or like, Yeah, we’re going to do sexy things, but we’ll get around it. Or it’s like, nah, we’ll put a towel down and deal with it, but I really loved seeing your videos as it’s not just like, Oh, I guess this is happening this week.

It’s like, Oh yeah, it’s period sex. It’s exciting for all these new reasons. I think it was a really great narrative to put out there and a really great way of looking at it that I don’t see often enough.

Mr. C: Oh, we appreciate that. Thank you.

Bex: I also really loved the way you talked about being able to like, look back at videos years down the line. We have a series of videos from Obadiah (Obadiah27) there’s numbers that I don’t remember at the end of their username. But they were all filmed with a video camera. They got in the eighties right after they got married. And they went back and took all those VHS tapes and converted them to digital and uploaded them to MakeLoveNotPorn. I love them. And I love the idea of like, Yes. Capturing like the sexiness of all of the fun things you did, but also a moment in time, almost like a scrapbook, like we also have a wedding night video on the site…

Mr. C: Seb and Juliana. That’s a great video.

Bex: Yes, yes. Yep. Yeah. I love that one! Like you see her stripping out of the wedding dress and stuff, but it’s very cute. I love the same way we document and like shit have scrapbooks of all of the other things we’ve done in our lives. Right? Take pictures and videos of all of these other fun and exciting things. I like the idea of having these little sexy momentos as well.

Lady M: I’ve never thought of it that way, but that’s really true! Yeah, that’s amazing.

Mr. C: We’re not going to put our fisting pitcher on the mantle, but having the video… Great!

Bex: Exactly. And I have like, I’ve also captured Like a lot of first time things on camera. I have a video of the first time my partner strapped on it and got a blow job. So being able to look back and be like, Oh look, that thing we do, like all the time now look at you being amazed by it and it being wild and new. It has all that nostalgia and it’s really hot. And it’s just lots of fun layers.

Mr. C: Yeah. No, that’s so true. So true.

Bex: I do just want to touch on the last thing you said there as well, though, you talked about how you feel like sharing your videos has actually improved your sex. I’ve definitely seen videos that you’ve shared that have alluded to ideas you’ve gotten from watching other things or from playing on Twitter. I’m curious if you could speak to you, how kind of socially sharing your role of sex has fed into and has evolved your real-world sex. If that makes sense or how it’s changed through that?

Mr. C: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. We’d love to talk about that. I guess there’s, there’s layers to it. Dan Savage led us to Cindy Gallop and that led us to MakeLoveNotPorn and that led us to seeing all the diversity and the different things that we could see there. And that led us to wanting to share. And then there was a day when we were talking about porn and Lady M was asking, what have you looked at over the years? I can’t remember the question and I’m like, Oh, there’s so much free porn out there.

Just go to Twitter and you can see all the porn you want. And so we went to Twitter and just by chance MakeLoveNotPorn had just tweeted about us and we’re like, Well, what’s this. Oh my God! And so we instantly set up a Malimi Twitter account and that led to a lots of fun tweeting about the videos that we were watching and enjoying re-tweeting trying to promote other, other stars and in the process, getting ideas for videos of not really what we want to do, but things that turned us on that we saw… Professor Stone is a good example we saw some videos of theirs and also Modesty Ablaze…

We have to mention her other things that she’s doing in her real-world sex life. Drove me bananas and, and Lady M really enjoyed watching what she saw too. And so when we were at the sex store, we actually started buying toys that we had seen her use and the other couple had used as well. And then we took them home and of course, new toy.

We got to try this out, throw out the camera and. And we did a lot of that. Just to get back to the Twitter angle though. Twitter, we started playing Andre and Lynn, Desert Delight, Seb and Juliana all kinds of people doing these sort of sexy games, promoting ourselves and promoting, MakeLoveNotPorn.

And that led to other couples on Twitter. One of those couples actually identified where we were from the background in our photos and approached us about swinging. And that cracked opened the whole new door where suddenly we had an outlet for, we had both done swinger lifestyle type things before in the past, but not together.

That started a whole new chapter. Now, unfortunately, those folks didn’t want to share their videos. So we made tons of videos and they didn’t make it to the site, but we’re hoping that there’ll be another day when we can. So sort of, it was a snowball effect and yeah, I should be quiet now and let Lady M do some talking.

Lady M: I would say I’m definitely a big fan of watching other people’s movies and saying, let’s go recreate that afterwards. So that’s definitely improved our sex life. Making the movies and sometimes, maybe some of the more kinky or complicated films that we’ve made definitely requires a lot of communication and yeah, definitely some coordination as well. So, you know, it’s helped our communication style. I also have to say definitely watching. Being lucky to step into other people’s real-world sex lives and see, all different body types, having sex, all different kinds of ways.

Not feeling that they need to perform like a porn star. You’re really getting an intimate view into their sex life. Definitely has made me feel better about my body or about how I act or sound in the bedroom. I tend to be a little bit more quiet than Mr C in the bedroom, and that’s something that partners have, kind of teased me a bit in the past, but certainly seeing other people that are quiet and some are loud and that’s all great. So, you know, so it’s being able to, I love to watch the diversity. Yeah.

Mr. C: Yeah, I’ll follow up with that. There’s the, the, the tag and the Licktionary #communicative and it’s on, probably the bulk of our videos. And I would really agree that doing this has made us talk about sex and our sex more than we did before a lot, but even more than we did before.

And that’s led to better understanding of each other’s needs, wants, desires, you know? And so then that’s led to, we just made a video What do you call it? Cheeky Cleanup . Yeah. And Cheeky Cleanup as a combination. No, I didn’t say that right. Culmination of a whole bunch of conversations, literally over probably years now about the idea of like cleaning up your come off somebody and without planning it, Lady M just threw in there at me and I was in the middle of what I was doing with her bum and my dick and And she’s like, are you going to clean that up? And I was like, okay. Yes, I am. I sure am. As a matter of fact, it really gets kind of corny. I’m like, I’m going to come all over your bum. I’m really going to come on your bum I’ll get it. I’m going to clean it all up. And it blew my mind and I want to do it again. And we had never done that before. And I don’t think we would have had those conversations were it not for everything we’ve watched and seen on MLNP.

Bex: Yeah, that’s amazing. Yeah. I really feel like there is so much in my own relationships that I have tried with my partner that like either they didn’t think they were into necessarily or hadn’t occurred to them, or I felt that way. But then we have conversations and it’s like, Hey, you’re into these six things that are related to that thing, should we maybe try that thing? And we will like trip and fall into like… I think it reminds me of, I was just having this conversation with my partner about edging, an orgasm control and orgasm denial and that sort of thing. And when we first started dating, we did like a yes, no, maybe list..

It’s a list of all kinds of activities you can do and you sort them into yes, I’m into it. No, I’m not into it. Maybe once I learn more, maybe once a month, whatever that looks like. And that kind of thing was fully on their no list. And then I dated them for a year and I was like, but my love you are into this. It’s like, you’ve been demonstrably into this. Do you want to talk about it? And we were able to find like, I was like, okay, you’re not into you know, necessarily forced orgasms, but what if it looked like this? And I could roll out a scenario that looped in a lot of things I know they’re very into.

And they were like, wow, that actually does sound fun. So it’s that more elaborate understanding. Your partner can really unlock a lot of things that may not have made sense right away.

Mr. C: That’s right. That’s right. It’s like an evolution, right? It’s an ongoing fluid thing that’s changing and yeah. With comfort levels, experience and time. That’s fantastic. What a great story.

Bex: Yeah. Yeah. One of the things you mentioned is that through this you’ve started playing with like more kinky things and often that involves more communication and more set up, but one thing you mentioned in the survey I had you fill out was that There is a lot of time spent on up for kinky sex, but all of that time is sexy.

So I was wondering if you could talk a little bit about what that setup looks like and how you keep it hot. Cause I think a lot of people think of the logistics of, I dunno, planning, sex or setting up for something takes away the fun.

Lady M: I can definitely understand that feeling and, certainly maybe a bit more in my youth, when I was having maybe a little bit more vanilla sex, I would agree with that statement for sure. I think just logistically if to do something a little bit more, kinky requires a little bit more prep time and I guess it’s the, it’s the knowing what’s coming and, I know Mr. C is definitely he’s like, I have an idea and right away he’s ready to go and gets all excited.

And I think also for us, a lot of our sex life is giggly. We laugh a lot. So pardon me to have that expectation that it should be this… Maybe really seductive experience while you’re doing this set up to keep it sexy or something like we giggle are the whole way through. I guess that’s sexy for us.

Mr. C: No, yeah, definitely sexy for us. And I think we’re also quite considerate of each other. As Lady M said, if, for example, I get an idea in my head I’m, I’m turned on and I’m going to be turned on right through till the idea has been unfolded. But also things like, do you want to go have a shower while I set the room up and you know, Lady M can go off and do her thing and.

I’m running around putting chairs here and getting ropes out and getting ready. And and so you can be sort of considerate of the other as well too, to make that time stay sexy. I think also too, our attire, like we often, if we’re going to wear sexy clothes, like we’ll put it on and then just watching Lady M take the sheets down on the bed in something skimpy is super hot.

Lady M: I was making a face because like sexy clothes is not necessarily something we’re known for we’re often..

Mr. C: But this is set up. Right. We’re talking about?

Mr. C: Yeah. And so there’s that and the laughter! The laughter keeping it light, keeping it fun.

I think that’s really important what you said about that. And I guess I dunno, being turned on by your own fantasies can carry you a long way in terms of doing the things you have to do to get to that fantasy. There’s one video we did where there’s a chair at the end of the bed. And I’m, I’m like at the end of the bed with my butt up and my dick’s like through the chair and then there’s ropes tying. And to just see if we could even do that, there’s this whole other hour long thing that wasn’t on camera that was full of hilarity and some near misses. I almost got pieces…Well damage, Let’s just say damage was almost done. And it was, it was, it was funny. It was funny and fun. And I don’t know. And still sexy. Yeah, I guess, I guess I’m not sure how to put that in words, but the idea of it is sexy. And so whatever we need to do to make that idea come to life can be sexy too, I think. And, and not taking it too seriously. I think Lady M said that. You know, we’re, we’re not, we’re not trying to be porn stars. We’re not trying to be anything, but who we are. So there’s no need to get into character really. So I, yeah, just enjoy enjoying each other is so important. I guess I’d say that.

Bex: One of the things I love that you mentioned there is the way you talked about using this, like planning time as an anticipation, or like using it to sit in that state of anticipation, which is a thing I do a lot.

I have ADHD and one of the things that my brain struggles with is task switching. So if I’m surprised by something happening, my brain is going to have a buffering moment of catching up to the world outside and adjusting into that setting. And sometimes. What I love about like planning, sexy things and my partner, and I both also film ourselves having sex and they are a professional photographer. So we also love taking a really creative aspect to this. And sometimes if I’m really stressed or if sex seems like a foreign concept to me in that time, I’m like, I know theoretically, that’s a thing that feels good and I enjoy, but in this moment it just feels absurd . I can. Like access that creative part of my brain and be like, okay, but where could we film something in this space?

Or what could we do with rope? Or What if I was your like naughty professor, then what would you do? And I I can play into that creativity and that, that storytelling aspects that I do enjoy and gradually warn the rest of my body up to this idea of Oh, also, maybe I’ll actually do this sexy thing too.

Maybe we will film a thing either tonight or later. And it’s just gives my brain a little bit of a chance to get used to the idea. I call this foreplay for my brain when I’m talking about non-sexy things, like when I just need to know what’s for dinner so I can get used to the idea, but honestly, in sexy scenarios, as well as foreplay for my brain, you know and gets me on the same page as my partner, which can be really, really great.

Mr. C: Yeah, that’s really good. What you just said, that’s a fascinating point. Engaging your partner and thinking about what’s turning them on can also be quite sexy. You know, the idea of like, I’m sure some of the stuff we do doesn’t necessarily turn Lady M on, but she’s happy to go there because it turns me on. And then that turns her home. So this sort of idea of feeding into the sexiness, through the person you’re doing it with, if you are.

Bex: Yeah, there’s a, so that, yes, no, maybe list I was talking about earlier. I have a distinction, so it’s a very common concept in sex education. A lot of people have them.

I made one that I share and on mine, I make a difference between yes, into and yes, willing. So for me, my example is foot stuff. I’m sure I will develop a foot fetish years down the line, but in the meantime it is a thing that I am like, Hey, that’s not something. I’m into, but I’m also not, not into it.

Like I’m not bothered by it, like sure. My feet. Great. So if I would find someone really, really hot that is really, really into feet. Well then yeah, I’m very into doing feet things with them because watching them get turned on is going to be really, really hot to me. But. So, like, I would think of putting that on my yes list.

Right. But if the person I’m playing with feels the same way about it and we plan like a foot worship scene and we’re both there because this other person I’m into thinks it’s really hot. We’re not going to have a great scene. So I love that idea of like, yeah, there are lots of things that like, I wouldn’t pick out, but I would deeply enjoy seeing someone I’m into do and get turned on doing.

Lady M: Yeah. Yeah. There’s definitely a few examples of that in our sex life, where I’m not interested in having it done to me. But I get such a kick out of watching him enjoy it so much and get so much pleasure out of it. I usually spend my time with a big grin on my face, just watching him, you know? And it’s, it’s something I can give to him. You know?

Mr. C: That’s fantastic. Yeah.

Bex: And watching people we love experiencing pleasure is a pleasurable experience. We can appreciate that in and of itself, because I feel like when you talk about like, Oh yeah, we did the sexy thing, but like, I’m not really into, but they’re into it.

People can think that it’s like, you, you why would you? But it’s like, no, like, I, I had fun watching them be into it. I enjoy it! I’ve talked to some asexual folks who are not sex repulsed, but are just not particularly into doing sexy things. And I heard someone once described it a little bit, like you know, playing golf where it’s like, well, if my partner enjoys golf, I would enjoy spending a few hours with them doing this thing that they enjoy even if I’m not going to pursue golf on my own.

Mr. C: What a great way to look at it. Wow.

Bex: So you also talked a lot about how you described your sex as very like giggly and playful. And I think I’ve heard you say that it didn’t always occur to you to describe it as kinky, because it was so playful and loving and connective And I thought that was so interesting. I’m curious if you could tell me a little bit about how, your understanding of what was kinky, because I believe he used that word a little bit for yourself more now. And I’m curious if you could talk about how that has evolved.

Lady M: Yes, that’s absolutely me that had that epiphany. We were reading the bio that MLNP had written for us and one of the terms was kinky. I looked at Mr. C and was like, they labeled us as kinky! And he’s like, and sort of started listing the things we were doing in the video. It made me rethink a little bit of what kink was because yeah, the things we were doing to me were so loving and giggly and while I wasn’t against kink, I guess maybe I had a feeling that it was a little bit more like a dominant sub and situation or a, maybe a more power dynamic. And I know a lot of kink can get, and there is a bit of power play there, but I guess more of an internal feeling of that power struggle. I’m not sure if I’m saying that the best way. So to me, when I was shoving my fist up his butt or whipping his ass I’m doing that because I love him so much and he’s enjoying it so much and it really made me rethink and right away I knew. Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. We are kinky, but kink can be done in a while. You’re laughing and giggling and so that was, that was, I guess how I came to that.

Bex: Yeah. I, I really love that. I feel like. It reminds me well that really reminds me of when I was first exploring kink, because I identify as a masochist. I like pain. I like playing with power. I like a lot of the very prototypical kink things, and pretty much always have But even when I first started exploring kink, I looked at it and was like, Oh, that’s not for me. Because I was like, yeah, well, I want someone to hit me, but I don’t want them to tell me I’m bad while they’re doing it.

I don’t want to be humiliated and degraded. I was like, I don’t want to be punished. I want to be beaten with love. I want to be objectified. I want to be a toy, but I want to be your favorite toy is the thing. Yeah. I feel like the public narrative of the submissive is often or even the receiver of whatever action is that they are like this degraded, worthless, not cared for thing when really some of my most intense scenes that from the outside are like, Oh my God, what are you doing to that man from the inside? Or some of the most loving things I’ve ever done, involved with the most conversation and the most negotiation and all of that and were done by people who understood me well enough. To safely do those things to me, you know?

Mr. C: I love what you’re saying there, the negotiation and the consent and in the, in a loving way, there’s a part, I think it’s in, Everybody Gets Fucked where Lady M gives me a really good whack with the whip and I do this. . And she goes, Oh, are you okay?

I’m like, yeah, I’m fine. Do it again, did it again. And she’s like, like that and I’m like, yeah, see, boiled down to you can’t hit me hard enough. I love you. I love you. Thank you. Thank you . And and that, that, that checking that, are you okay? Is that how you like it? These aren’t sort of the traditional kind of Dom/Sub language, right?

And so it’s really fun to be able to show the world that. We can do all those whips and chains, but be laughing, smiling, and loving while we do that. And that doesn’t take away from the intense pleasure that comes with it. It’s just the way we like to experience that pleasure. And I’m sure there’s others that may go there if they could see that it doesn’t have to be so serious and so dark and so scary, you know, as, as sometimes kink can be to the But, you know, inexperienced eye, I guess would be a way to say that. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Bex: Yeah! I feel like the culture true understanding of kink is definitely onto that darker side of things and it is not my experience of kink in the kink scene. Right? There are certainly a lot of people who play with pain or an intense sensation or restraint or anything like that without playing with power in the way you all did. Showing your videos and talking about, and there are also ways to like, play with that with power and include that kind of negotiation.

So, one of the unexpected ways I play with pain and power in my relationship is, as I said, I’m a heavy bottom, I’m a masochist that likes getting the hell beat out of me. And in my current relationship, I’m the boss. So we would go to play parties and I would be the dominant, telling them exactly how to beat my ass for me and what I wanted out of that.

And I’m still in charge which is really fun. And that is certainly something that folks are like, wait, you can… You can do that? And I’m like, well, I’m the boss. And I would like to be in pain right now. So yeah, I can actually

Mr. C: Dom/Sub both all at once the best of both worlds.

And in charge of two that’s fabulous, you know?

Yes and in times when I am in charge, because both my partner and I are both switches, so we both like giving and receiving pain. And we also both like being in charge and being submissive. And we like to take those things and shuffle them up and all kinds of weird combinations to see what we can come up with.

But even when I’m in charge, things I’ll have them do is Instead of like, Hey, are you okay? It will be like on a scale of 1 to 10 I need you to tell me how hard I’m hitting you right now. After every hit. And it’s like, I need you paying attention. I need you to tell me this. Like, and they would, if I’m hitting them hard and they’re getting out of it and distracted, I’m like, ah, what was that nope come in? What was that? You’re counting for me. Right? And you can still be the boss, right. You can be like, Oh, are you, what are you getting distracted? You’re not paying attention. You’re not giving me your number? Come on! And you can still be the one in charge while you’re getting that information.

Yeah. So I will often overwhelm them with questions or make them try and tell me things during times where they’re being distracted and it’s harder to talk and it was a way to keep them submissive. And also because I’m anxious as fuck reaffirm me that I am doing, I am hurting them in the ways that they want and not in the back.

Mr. C: Right. Right. How important.

Bex: Yeah, that’s always really, really fun for me too, is finding the ways to like sound in charge and also get the information that I need. Yeah.

Mr. C: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.. Feedback.

Bex: Yes. Okay. So before we wrap up, I do just want you to let folks know where they can find all of these excellent videos that we’re talking about and your Twitter presence and all of that. So if you could let folks know where they can find you on the internet to learn a little more.

Lady M: Well, we are Malimi on MakeLoveNotPorn (MLNP.TV)

Mr. C: That’s right. And you can also find us on Twitter. Our handle there is @Malimi , which is M A L I M I and then one seven two eight two two five nine. That’s @Malimi17282259.

I’m pretty sure we’re the only Malimi Twitter though. So if you put that in you’ll find us.

Bex: Yeah. You’ll find it eventually. Thank you so much for joining me today. It was really, really great talking to you.

Mr. C: Oh, it’s been great talking with you today. Thank you.

Lady M: Thanks so much Bex.

Curation Corner:

Bex: Right so we’re just coming back from a really excellent interview with Malimi that I had so much fun talking to them, and I wanted to take some time with one of my coworkers that Make Love Not Porn, to talk about some of our favorite videos on the site from some of the people that they mentioned on the show.

So first, can you introduce yourself?

Ariél: Sure. My name is Arielle Martinez and I’m the community manager of MakeLoveNotPorn. I’ve been at MakeLoveNotPorn on and off since 2013. And I actually used to work on your side of the house in curation. So because of that, I have a familiarity with a lot of the videos on MakeLoveNotPorn, especially those kind of dating back to when we..You know, at the time it didn’t feel like we were first going, but retrospectively seven years later, I can see that was true. So I’m excited to delve into some of these videos that I spend a lot of time watching and curating and yeah, this will be fun.

Bex: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And one of the people that they mentioned in our interview were Colingray, which I think almost all of their videos were submitted back when you were doing my job before I came on. So I was wondering if you could tell me, like, I don’t know, a little bit of what stood out from working with them?

Ariél: Yeah, Colingray are such a fun couple. I wish that they were still kind of present on our site more, but one of the things that just really has always stuck out to me about Colingray is how playful they are.

I think that one of their first videos was one where they were like and the chess was strip chess. And she was wearing this really sheer leotard. They also both looked very American Apparel aesthetic models, which I feel like just ties into their very like sexy hipster vibe.

But I think that they’ve always just found such a fun way to incorporate their playfulness, their creativity, to just really bring real world sex into this. Like you can tell watching any of their videos that they’re both just really fun creative people from there sexy alien role-play video Halloween one where she’s like a .

I think that opening a Colingray video, and this is true of all, MakeLoveNotPorn stars is you don’t know what you’re going to get when you start watching that video. But I think Colingray can even take it to another level where they can literally be in costumes and like doing a whole thing that you have no idea.

So I think that that’s really fun to kind of see.

Bex: Yeah, I really love the way that all of their videos do kind of have a central theme or like some like creative thing that, that kind of motivated them to do it, but you can tell that when they get down to the sexy bits, it’s still their real world sex.

Right. They’ve built this framework to kind of play with it, right? Whether it’s the or the like , which I adore, but then they just have fun with each other and capture what their sex looks like. They also have a couple of videos, more of an educational bend to them, which I really like, um, like their , which I think is something people don’t talk about a lot. 5 Tips to Stay Sexy with a Cold Sore

Ariél: Yeah, totally. I love that video. I love the that they did. And I also think that their is really amazing. It’s over an hour long and they just really talk about like, you know, I think that when they started looking into pegging, they thought that it had to be like a really large, realistic phallic dildo.

And then when they actually went shopping and they got something that was a lot smaller and not super phallic looking. And I think that they just really communicate in a way that feels very realistic real-world sex. And also just really relatable, like the conversation seems really vulnerable and just really intimate that I really appreciate watching..As she’s wearing this like really sexy leather get up.

It’s just really a great juxtaposition.

Bex: Yeah. And you and I met in sex toy retail. And I know in my experience, that is the kind of interaction I had a lot with people coming in to get their first pegging thing that they come in with a very clear idea. So yes, watching it, you can see, Oh, this is the kind of thing that happens in the real world, but it’s also something I think we encountered all the time.

Ariél: Absolutely. Yeah. The other thing I love about Colingray is that they’re always coordinated. And I really love that. They like to incorporate..I feel like, you know, lingerie is something that we typically really associate with femininity. I think that Colingray can like.. there’s and they’re both wearing this really strappy, sexy lingerie outfit. And I think that it just goes to show how much fun, both sides of the couple, regardless of gender and gender identity, can have dressing up. I think that that’s something else that’s really fun about them.

Bex: Yeah, I love that. And that’s definitely like exploring the more masculine side of, I guess, lingerie or just like sexy clothes is something I’ve definitely struggled with in my transition.

And I really love seeing other people role model that and just the chemistry and the connection they have as a real worlds couple is really palpable when you’re watching those videos,

Ariél: I actually had the opportunity to meet Colingray a few years ago when we did the Mermaid Ranch documentary . And I think it’s really funny how we don’t know these people really, like we watched their videos. I felt like when I was in curation, I really knew these people, but I didn’t, I hadn’t met like any of them besides like on zoom or whatever. Okay. That was pre-Zoom. That was Skype. When I met them, I was really struck by how similar they were in person to how they kind of seemed in their videos. So I think that that chemistry and that connection really transferred out of their sex life into just how they were.

Bex: Yeah, I love that. One of the other real-world couples that we have on our site that have submitted quite a few videos of the year, some of them before my time, and they’re still submitting now is . And what I love is if you look all the way back at their first video, which is like early 2016, the way they talk about each other, it’s written as: This lovely lady and I met a few months ago and quickly became friends and lovers,

It feels very, you know, ephemeral I think, in a conversation with them. And they’re going to be on the show in a couple of weeks, which is going to be really fun. But I think in a conversation I had with them either during that recording or another time, they mentioned that they weren’t even sure if they were going to see each other much after that they were both traveling and they didn’t know what the future of their relationship would be.

And now it’s 2020 and they’re still together and still submitting videos for us. And I felt it was really beautiful just kind of watching that relationship evolve over the years through real world sex videos.

Ariél: Yeah, that’s so interesting. I think that Bear came on to MakeLoveNotPorn in 2013. So we’ve actually been around for the same amount of time, which is funny.

And at that point he was submitting solo videos. And so it was really amazing for him to meet Honey and kind of watch this love story bloom via MakeLoveNotPorn. their connection is also one that I just find… I don’t know, they’re just, their love is so palpable to me. Like, I feel like every time I watch their videos, I’m just like smiling cause it’s like they’re cute and hot. And also they’re just, it’s just really, there’s like a sweetness to them that I find just really great to watch and just very like mesmerizing. And I think that with them, not only is their sex life amazing, but they’re also having sex in these like really beautiful places. Like the waterfall in Thailand. I was like, that looks literally out of like that, doesn’t look real. It’s so beautiful. I just had having this amazing sex there. I’m, wow. Y’all’s life is truly amazing.

Bex: Yeah. I love the settings and backdrops they’ve been able to find for their videos.

They have one that is filmed on the side of a mountain , like overlooking the bay. That’s just gorgeous. And yeah, I want to touch on what you were saying about their videos just being really cute, because I feel like when I tell a lot of people, what I do for a living, they’re like, Oh, you watch people with fuck all day.

Like, Oh, you know, that it’s like this deeply sexy experience or whatever, which first of all, it just isn’t when it’s a nine to five. But, also there are so many videos on our site that I watched, like their romcoms, like I’m just sitting there like, Oh,I love that so much. And it just pulls at your heartstrings in a way that you know, videos that are filmed on set by the pros. Don’t always,

Ariél: yeah. You know, I think that MakeLoveNotPorn videos definitely have some warm and fuzzy component where it just is like so sweet. And I think that, you know, especially if, you know, honey and bear, even through MakeLoveNotPorn, you’ve been watching them for a long time.

Like you’ve seen kind of their relationship endure and them. You know, having sex in this amazing pool in Mexico and in this caravan and, and all these places. And I think that we can kind of fill in the blanks of what that takes to kind of keep a relationship going and to see this like a long-term relationship also, still be full of really like passionate sex. I think that that’s also something really interesting is I think a lot of people equate long-term relationships to a dwindling sex life. And we have so many couples on Make Love Not Porn that are like, no, that’s not, that’s not how it goes for us. Malema is one of them as well.

Bex: Absolutely. And so as who I think is one of the few people that probably has more videos than Malimi at this point. Wow. She has also been with us for quite a long time. And I know Mr. C talked about really enjoying some of the things he’s seen in the videos that modesty posts. And I love that she shows a lot of what real-world kink can look like.

For example, she just did a recent series stand to attention that was shot in a dungeon and it showed. The negotiation that she had with her partner before she started playing with them. But it also captured, I don’t know all of the moments that I really related to as a dominance of like, she sat down and like went into this with a plan and was asking him about the things he would want to do or whatever, and then noticed something else that seemed more fun in that moment and turned on a dime.

So like, She would say, okay, like, let’s get you in some, the other room too, you know, for this spanking or whatever. And then he stands up and he’s hard and she’s like, Oh, well actually let’s maybe do something with that right now, because that seems like five minutes of like CBT and like teasing him. And then they go to the other thing.

Or like, there’s a moment later on where she’s like, yeah, you know, you’re not going to get to touch me or anything. And then she gets really horny and was like, actually, you know what, maybe….You have earned this, look at you go. Again, as a dominant, it’s very relatable.

Ariél: Yeah, modesty. I feel like it’s just so goals for, I think so many people, me and Mr. C included apparently where I think that as someone who has thought a lot about her sex life has thought a lot about her sexuality and like really put that thinking into action. And she has, I think that what’s amazing about Modesty Ablaze to people who might not be familiar with her videos is that she shoots videos with both her husband and the variety of lovers that she has. And you know, these lovers go across genders. They’re different ages and she just had so much fun with them. And I think that that actualization of fantasy is something that’s really amazing to kind of see an action and see happening for, At least seven years, modesty predates me is I think she’s been on MakeLoveNotPorn since the very beginning.

And so I think that that’s something really astounding is seeing an older woman take such control anyone, but especially an older woman takes such control over her sex life and really actualize. That is really stunning.

Bex:. Yeah, her husband films a lot of the videos for her, which I love. And it’s something I encourage a lot of folks to do, even if they’re not going to submit a video to MakeLoveNotPorn.

And even if they’re not, you know, their partner, isn’t filming them, having sex with someone else. Right. Even if you’re just filming yourself, checking off or something, being able to see yourself through your partner’s eyes is a really interesting experience and seeing..Even the things they focus on or the ways they linger and the way they capture, like the way they look at you when you’re getting off can be a really, really fun perspective to see-through.

Ariél: Absolutely. Yeah. I think that Modesty is really also amazing in her like versatility of sex, like acts and people. Like, I feel like, you know, there’s her husband, who’s amazing. She is also such a fan of toys and incorporating that into kink and into just her solo time. I think that she’s really someone who is down to experiment and have fun. And I think that that also really comes across in her videos and just makes her so fun to watch. I love Modesty who doesn’t love Modesty.

Bex: I love that. And I love all the toys. And one thing that made me really, really happy as again, someone who started work, I started doing this work in the sex toy world is, and Mr C mentioned earlier that he has seen a lot of those videos and actually gone out and looked for those specific toys after seeing them in modesty his videos, because they wanted to try them out together, which I just thought was so great.

And. Really really fun. I would have been delighted. If someone came into our shop, it was like, here’s a screenshot. Do you have this? This looks fun.