Romance, Real World Sex, and Why Authentic Intimacy Matters More Than Ever
Romance is having a moment. With the runaway popularity of shows based on romance novels like Heated Rivalry and Bridgerton, the genre’s cultural relevance is undeniable.
And yet, romance remains controversial. Some readers adore it with fierce loyalty. Others dismiss it, belittle it, and in extreme cases, attempt to ban it altogether due to sexual content or inclusion of diverse characters. Few literary genres inspire such passionate and polarized reactions.
Not Your Mother’s Bodice Rippers
For decades, romance novels weren’t taken seriously. People deemed them “not real literature” or “written by women, for women” — as though that alone diminished their worth.
But today, romances are far more relevant than skeptics assume.
The rise of eReaders allowed people to read privately, freely, and without stigma, expanding the audience across ages, professions, and identities. Then came the genre’s reckoning with racism and lack of diversity in 2019, ushering in broader representation across race, gender, sexuality, body type, neurodivergence, and more.
Romance was no longer a fantasy of idealized perfection. It became a mirror — reflecting real lives and relationships, sparking conversations, and challenging cultural norms with books like Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston and The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang.
Where Fantasy Still Dominates: Sex
In many ways, modern romance is leading the way in representing different kinds of people. We don’t just see diversity in terms of identity, we see more emotionally intelligent heroes, masculinity less burdened by toxicity, and relationships grounded in care and respect.
But it still lags behind in a couple of places: cis men’s bodies and sex in general.
The men protagonists are almost always tall, with sculpted abs, and are exceptionally endowed. Women main characters are perpetually ready for penetration, climax easily, and partners instinctively know exactly what to do to make it happen. Pleasure appears effortless.
That’s not real world sex.
Real world sex is messy. Real bodies are all shapes and sizes. Most penises (~70%) fall within a similar size range, 4.7 to 6.3 inches in length, and the rarer “big ones” can cause pain without sufficient warm up. Sex is a skill that has to be learned. Arousal takes time. Most vulva owners don’t orgasm from penetration alone.
Fantasy can be fun and satisfying, but the fantasy of exceptional bodies and easy sex can be harmful if we use it for real comparison — or believe it’s the only way to show up in the bedroom.
There’s nothing wrong with writing or enjoying the fantasy. The problem is when fantasy is the only story told.
Why Realistic Sex Matters
In the absence of comprehensive sex education, people look elsewhere for information. MakeLoveNotPorn shows how real world couples have real world sex, answering the question of what people really do in bed. MakeLoveNotPorn has also recently introduced MakeLoveNotPorn Academy, a sex education hub for people of all ages.
Romance reaches millions of readers and generates over a billion dollars annually. Stories shape expectations about love, bodies, pleasure, and what intimacy “should” look like. Adding real world sex to romance novels can help to bridge educational gaps and set more realistic expectations for ourselves and our partners — and result in better, more honest sex.
When romance includes:
- diverse bodies
- explicit communication and consent
- laughter, awkwardness, and learning
- toys, lube, and creative problem-solving
- pleasure that deepens through emotional connection
…it does more than entertain. It educates. It reassures. It normalizes.
Readers begin to see themselves — not just an impossible ideal — in the happily-ever-after.
How It’s Done
As a romance writer and advocate for real world sex representation, I’m often asked where I get the ideas for my steamy scenes. The question is usually accompanied by a wide grin or a wink.
I write fiction. I get my ideas from my imagination, not my life. But imagination needs help sometimes. And a picture is worth a thousand words.
How does a threesome work? How is anal sex different from vaginal? Are there unique oral techniques or bedroom games to play? What does bondage really look like? How about sex in the woods or on a beach?
When I have these questions, I often turn to the real world sex on MakeLoveNotPorn. And I’m not just looking at logistics — an arm goes here and a leg goes there. I’m also watching the communication and reactions, the body language and non-verbal cues between real people experienced at pleasing each other. That’s the good stuff I want to write for my characters.
Also, it doesn’t hurt to see a couple having sex the way I’ve described in a book. It’s good to know what my imagination dreamed up actually works.
Porn Can’t Do That For Us
Being open to new things can often breathe new life into a long-term sexual relationship. But for some couples it’s a challenge to dream up ideas that fit within their comfort levels.
This is another place real world sex can help. Learning what other couples do can spark ideas. Or realizing there are people out there having sex like you — and loving it — can be reassuring.
For those with desires that fall outside cultural norms, seeing others with shared interests — kinks, curiosities, or alternative dynamics — can dissolve shame and joy-stealing guilt.
And there’s wanting to learn the basics about what safe, comforting, fulfilling sex can look like. The kind of intimacy young adults rarely see modeled clearly anywhere else.
Porn is performance, not reality. Porn can’t do that for us. Real world sex can.
Can Romance and Real Sex Save the World?
In difficult times, stories about love and connection matter deeply. I believe any kind of sex between consenting adults is healthy sex. And healthy sex is literally and figuratively life giving and connecting.
Whether it’s reading a steamy novel or watching an honest depiction of intimacy, the experience can make our sex lives better.
It can turn us on. It can get us thinking about the possibilities of sex instead of thinking about daily responsibilities or our to do lists, something vulva owners in particular struggle with. It can provide suggestions, ideas, and tips. And it can give us insights into our fantasies and desires.
We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, in and out of the bedroom. Knowing that we are not different, that we don’t have to know everything from the start, and that often the best sex is honest and unrefined can empower us to take the risk of sharing our most intimate selves with another.
And when people feel safe enough to share their vulnerable selves — with trust instead of shame — that ripple of connection reaches far beyond the bedroom.
We are living in hard, fractured times.
We need more love.
We need more real.
We need more authentic connection.
If romance can help us imagine that world —
and real intimacy can help us build it —
that might be one of the most meaningful happily-ever-afters of all.
Christina Braver is a published author of nine steamy, contemporary romances, and a frequent podcast guest advocating for real sex representation in the genre and sex education in general. She has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and pairs that knowledge with information from prominent sex experts to write character-driven stories described as “a little bit nerdy, a little bit dirty.” Her books bring toe-curling spice and real-life tips while addressing deeper issues such as endometriosis, difficulty orgasming, sexual stereotypes, and surviving sexual shame.
She lives outside Seattle, and enjoys wine, mountain biking, laughing too loudly, and of course, reading.
