Navigating Real World Sex While STI Positive
By MLNP Ambassador Tricia Wise.
Living in a sex negative society, is especially disconcerting when you are STI positive, like me. Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are incredibly common, yet there is a very harmful societal stigma surrounding being STI positive.
If you live in the US, I can pretty much guarantee your sex education was lacking. As of 2021, only seventeen states in the US are required to provide medically accurate information to students during their sex education classes. SEVENTEEN. That is seventeen out of fifty states. Big yikes. Our puritanical sex “education” system inherently sets us up for failure, with no instruction on how to have real sex.
We are also told to say no to having sex with people like me (those who are STI+), and that if we do “catch something” we are deemed as “dirty” and that our sex lives are essentially over. We are constantly told to get tested, but no information or support is ever given when some of us inevitably do test positive.
Let’s start with some facts — 1 in 2 sexually active people will contract an STI before they turn 25. Everyone has most likely been exposed to some form of herpes (mono, cold sores, chicken pox, shingles, genital outbreaks — all herpes!). About 1 in 6 people in the US have genital herpes (and it’s about 1 in 4 New Yorkers). Almost everyone has or will contract HPV at some point (I believe the number is 90% of sexually active people will get HPV). HIV+ people can live healthy lives and have sexual relationships without transmitting to their partners (thanks to ART aka antiretroviral therapy, and meds like PrEP and PEP if you are HIV-). The most common symptom of an STI is actually experiencing no symptoms at all! Also, it’s important to note that all STIs are curable or manageable.
After I was diagnosed with genital herpes in 2019, I knew my relationship to sex would undoubtedly change. I didn’t realize it would change for the better. An STI diagnosis can bring up many emotions and there’s so much to navigate and process (again, much of this is due to the social stigma alone). For most people, finding a romantic and/or sexual partner after a diagnosis can be incredibly daunting. Many people also have to find a way to feel comfortable in our sexualities again. We gotta disclose our status, which means we HAVE to be vulnerable. I mean, that shit is scary!
Here’s my key to “getting laid” with Herpes:
- Confidence
- Communication/vulnerability
- Education
Confidence is key. Fucking own it. If you are confident when disclosing your status, that energy will permeate. Keep it casual, keep it honest. Don’t ever be like “I have this really bad thing to tell you,” or “I’m so sorry, you’re gonna hate me.” NO. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or something to apologize for — you did nothing wrong. Give them the facts and open the conversation up for questions. The disclosure conversation can be in person, on the phone, through text — there’s no right way to disclose, do whatever is most comfy for you! Through experience, I have learned that people truly appreciate honesty and vulnerability. Regardless if they are still DTF or not, people ALWAYS appreciate honesty.
When we are STI positive, we are forced into having better communication skills and starting open dialogues that tbh, we should have been having in the first place. Conversations around sexual health history before we sleep with someone should be the norm, not something that we’re doing now because we have to. If you’re an STI negative person, when was the last time you actually paused a one night stand to really ask about when your hookup was last tested (and I’m talking more than just the “you clean?” “yeah, you?” “yeah”). Let’s also refrain from sex-negative language, like using terms such as “clean” and “dirty”. Also a PSA: conversations about sexual health are not a one way convo- their sexual health status is just as important as yours!
Disclosing an STI positive status can feel pretty overwhelming, but it IS necessary — disclosing our status to a partner is absolutely mandatory — because they need to be able to consent! For many of us, we didn’t have the choice. If they are too drunk to understand what you are saying, then it is not consensual.
Educating our partners about sexual health shouldn’t be our job, but sadly, many people are likely not googling how often they should be getting tested/STI symptoms/etc. However, I really believe that education is a great way to eliminate stigma. I mean, if everyone was educated in how STIs actually work and how common they are, there wouldn’t be such a stigma around them.
Another thing that we should have been more adamant about before our diagnosis is using the correct barrier methods. Condoms actually aren’t super effective for herpes and HPV (because they are actually transmitted through skin to skin contact and not through fluids — there’s some protection from it, but tbh it is just inevitable sometimes), but they have great protection when used properly for other STIS and preventing pregnancy. What are super effective barriers, you might be asking? Dental dams! What the hell is a dental dam you ask? A dental dam is a thin sheet of latex that is placed over a vulva or anus during oral. They’re not as common as they should be and I’d recommend using lots of lube with them!
The more I disclosed to potential partners about my herpes status, the more it became apparent how little many of us know about sexual health. At first, these conversations were terrifying, but now they’re like, fun for me? Through these conversations, I recognized my power. I have this knowledge and understanding of my body that most “muggles” (what we in the HSV community call STI- people) do not. The stigma exists due to ignorance — the more we, as a society, understand how actually NBD STIs are and that practicing safer sex is actually really hot, the more sex positive our society would be (and then we would all finally start referring to herpes as the glitter of the sex world rather than something stigmatizing!) .
Living with herpes, or any STI for that matter, intrinsically coincides with the core values of what MLNP portrays — REALITY. Real world sex is not staged, it’s not performative, it’s raw, it’s real, there’s real emotions. Real life sex is never perfect, because it is real, which makes it more fun. As we can see in MLNP videos, sex is sex, it’s not porn: real sex is not porn. It’s real people with different backgrounds showing how to make love. And a lot of our backgrounds involve STIs, and it’s not dirty, it’s completely normal.
