My Journey to MakeLoveNotPorn

By MakeLoveNotPorn Curator Saniyyah Lateef

I think it’s safe to say that, whether it’s positive or negative, brief or extensive, we remember our first conversations around sex. My earliest memory of talking about sex with my peers was when I was in the 9th grade. A bunch of my girl friends and I were discussing who had already had sex and who hadn’t — we even got into our sexual likes and dislikes. We were curious: were we the only ones asking these questions and having these discussions with our friends? Were we alone in our unique experiences? It wasn’t too soon after this that I had health class — and while brief, we did discuss sexual health and wellness, and there was even a very brief discussion on pleasure. What I wouldn’t realize for many years to come, was that this class and my earliest discussions, would eventually lead me to MakeLoveNotPorn, where today I am a Social Sex Curator.

Only 38 states and Washington D.C. require some form of sexual health/HIV education. About 50% of teenagers in the United States will receive any kind of sexual health education before they have already had sex! I was a part of the statistical minority having had some prior knowledge on sexual health before I had sex for the first time. While extremely grateful for the teacher I had and the information she shared with me and my classmates, I still had so many questions! As I’m sure many can relate, I turned to the one source where I knew I could get some sort of insight on the sexual curiosities I had: pornography.

I browed through the most common porn sites that existed in the late 2000s and I searched and I searched and I searched. What was I looking for? I wasn’t quite sure honestly. What I knew for sure, was that I was not seeing any person that looked like me or any sexual acts that looked quite like mine either. I always knew that my curiosity and openness with sex and sexuality was a little more apparent than that of my peers . As a 15 year old high school student, I wasn’t quite ready to be vocal about it. I continued to explore my sexuality and instead of talking to my peers, I found myself looking at porn for the answer. I was seeking a sense of normalcy and affirmation in the experiences I was having as a newcomer to sex. What I found, as I continued to search the endless realm that is internet porn, was a whole lot of confusion — and even anger.

I have been out as a queer person who is also polyamorous, since I was 15. I didn’t quite know what that all meant in its full extent then, but I knew I wasn’t being represented in the sexual media that I had access to. As I grew older, went to college and graduate school — I found that pornography could never have prepared me for the sexual encounters and dating experiences that I was going to have. Much like myself, many, if not most of the people I was having sexual experiences with, also based their sexual understanding, sexuality and desires off of the things they saw in pornography. And to top it all off, most of us, if we had any sexual education in our younger years — just got the “If you have sex, you’ll get pregnant and/or an STI” type of education. I quickly realized that we were living in a reality where people were curious and sexual beings, who didn’t really have a good understanding or confidence on what we were doing in the bedroom. We were also afraid to bring it up to our peers because we didn’t want to be seen as sexually illiterate or behind because of the lack of information we had received and the reliance we had on pornography to guide our sexual lives.

With my own curiosity, combined with my real life experiences, I took to social media to use my platforms to find other sex positive and curious people like myself to not only share my stories and have vulnerable, transparent exchanges, but also answer the questions I know we’ve all been asking! My online community of sex positive folks began to grow and expand quickly and I soon realized how it was not only just a curiosity, but a passion of mine! I then wondered how I could take this aspect of my life and turn it into my work. From teaching sex education at schools in K-12 spaces, to community workshops and HIV/STI testing, I was sharing my ideas and curiosities with those around me. But there still was something missing. These interactions, while impactful, were temporary. I would mostly never see these people I would interact with again and couldn’t help but wonder, “Where will they go if they have questions?” “How can they have these conversations openly and comfortably with those in their communities?” The list went on!

Lo and behold, the most amazing opportunity was right in front of me. I had been following MakeLoveNotPorn on Instagram t for a while when I saw that they were looking for Social Sex Curators to join the team. I wasn’t quite sure what a Social Sex Curator was, or what they did, but the job called to me. I interviewed with the team and then had a meeting with the Founder & CEO Cindy Gallop and immediately knew I was in the right place at the right time. MakeLoveNotPorn surprised me in the best way possible. From my high school self to my present self, I had always imagined a space where sex positive and diverse human beings could share their intimate, sexual expression in a place and space that was made for social exchange and interaction. MakeLoveNotPorn does just that, and more. When I began my role as a Social Sex Curator, I was elated to see all of the diverse bodies, relationship dynamics and sexual experiences that were showcased on the website. My younger self would say that no such place could ever exist except in my wildest dreams! It is truly a breath of fresh air to be a part of the #SocialSexRevolution that MakeLoveNotPorn is advocating for. Not only is MakeLoveNotPorn a place to indulge and express your sexual self, but it is also a space in which you can learn from peers around the world in a judgement free space. If MakeLoveNotPorn isn’t necessarily the space for you, I hope that those who come across it are able to spark conversations with those around them dispel myths & taboos & to cultivate the sexual revolution space that you envision for yourself and others!