My Journey Out of Shame
I was first introduced to MakeLoveNotPorn in 2021, by my then-roommate MakeLoveNotPornstar MapleSyrup. I had never really watched porn, and viewed it mainly as a seedy, exploitive business where women were treated as objects by men and sex is played out in a hilariously trumped up performance. I had never met someone so close to home (literally) who made any kind of adult content , let alone someone who I deeply respected and connected with. I absorbed the information she gave me with awe and curiosity. I made an account and began making videos with my then partner. Then I began to unpack some very complicated feelings I had concerning my sexuality.
I had always had a complicated relationship with both sex and my body. Throughout my teen years, growing up and well into my twenties, I associated sex and sexuality with shame. I came from a religious household and grew up in a society that critiques women anytime they embrace their sexuality in a way society doesn’t find relatable or controllable. This upbringing made me, like so many women, afraid of my sexuality. I often used the word “slut” when talking about myself to my friends and partners. I would use the word offhandedly and jokingly, but the roots of these comments planted feelings of deep shame and embarrassment. In thinking that promiscuity was a negative thing, I felt a deep sense of diminishment and sadness. I felt judged by my peers for my sexual escapades. Worse than that I judged myself. I always felt guilt after a night out. I felt guilty wearing clothes that revealed too much of my body. I never felt like it was possible for a woman to be seen as overtly sexual without experiencing a simultaneous lack of respect. I didn’t know how to and could never discuss sex in healthy ways. The shame I felt and received from others essentially made me come to believe that my sexuality made me unloveable. I had more than one male friend assume I would have sex with him because of “the things he had heard” about me. This devastated me. This negative self talk took years to reverse.
When I first posted on MLNP I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t know what reaction others would have, but more importantly what reaction I myself would have. I thought I would just try it and see how I felt about it. I felt comforted by the knowledge that I could always remove it if I wanted to. As I began to explore the community, I was struck by how much love and positivity existed in the space. From the curation team and their willingness to help and support, to the comments I received on my videos, to the other MLNPstars I began to connect with and get to know, there was resounding kindness, respect and support. Here, every kind of body was celebrated. Here, people screamed their sexuality from the rooftops but in such a human, relatable way that I had never seen before. I saw couples of all ages, ethnicities, and sizes having loving moments on camera. I saw people giving themselves pleasure unabashedly. These real moments, usually kept private, gave me an insight to how pleasure is felt by people in honest contexts. And while all of this wasarousing, there was also a certain tenderness to the videos I watched.
Here, my body felt like an offering rather than a prize to be won. Here, I controlled the narrative. I was rejoicing in my own sexuality along with everyone else. I was touched by the comments I received thanking me for my realness and authenticity. One user left the hashtag #realworldintimacy which I thought was so beautiful. In sharing some of my most vulnerable moments with people, they were in turn, having their own vulnerable experiences. I began to feel awakened inside my body. My desires no longer felt like something I should have to hide, but rather something to celebrate. These beautiful human experiences are meant to be shared. Why shouldn’t I share my body without shame? This slow deprogramming allowed me to start loving my body in a different way. In seeing my body through the eyes of strangers, who thanked me and praised me for my experiences I began to love myself even more. I saw the body of a woman, who had grown and lived, who deserved respect, even in the vulnerable states she presented herself in. I think society likes to diminish us, to make us believe we cannot be multifaceted. That a woman who has sex on the internet cannot possibly also be intelligent and worthy of respect. But we all know this is the furthest thing from the truth. MLNP helps break this narrative. On MLNP, sex is displayed exactly as it should be. As the human experience that it is: so very personal yet so very universal to all of us. It normalizes this formerly very stigmatized aspect of ourselves and makes it relatable, accessible and do-able to all. MLNP helped me come back to my body. It helped me see it through the eyes of love instead of through the eyes of shame.
