How MLNP Helped Heal My Sexuality
By MakeLoveNotPornstar Shakti River.
Like so many young teens, I got my sex education from television — this was before the internet. I watched Red Shoe diaries with my girlfriends at sleepovers out of sheer curiosity. Getting the rest of my sex education from mainstream porn — in combination with sex abuse, trauma, and teen substance abuse — really set me up for careless sexual behavior. At that time, I craved oral sex from whoever would give it to me. Between 13 and 15, I was a virgin but hooking up whenever I could. At that point, my pornography education was engrained in my behavior.
There was no authenticity nor vulnerability. It was me dominating the other person, getting head from them and then leaving. There was no connection; I just wanted my pussy licked.
I managed to keep my virginity until age 16 when rape was my first experience with sexual intercourse. After that, I began to believe that sex was the only way I could feel any sort of connection with people, though inauthentic. This belief guided me to more dangerous and unsatisfying situations. I was raped another 18 times in my life. I still craved sex but I found myself disconnected to the sacredness of sex. I was also carrying deep shame around my pussy. The shame felt paralyzing, my nervous system would freeze. The only way I knew how to deal with it was alcohol and then when that didn’t work, I pushed my past sexual history down deep in my body where no one could find it. Ultimately, not even myself. With my “slutty” past buried, along with my desires, I purposely recreated myself into the (false) epitome of a pure, motherly woman. I still wanted “dirty” sex but I refused to allow myself to have the sex life that I craved. I felt so ashamed of my pussy that had been taken by so many men…and even more ashamed that I had given it away to so many men. Why was this so shameful? Because I was conditioned by society to believe that a free and open sexuality was equal to being a slut, loose, dirty, and ultimately unloveable. I thought that no one would want a slut.
By the time I was about 34, most porn left a bad taste in my mouth. By then, I had my second child and had created a very “safe” and non-eventful life around me. I continued to shove my “disgusting” history and all of my desires down deep into my body. I made a life that blocked out all the sex shame of the past. I was only reminded of that pain after the sex I had with my son’s father or when I would experience vaginal issues. Blocking my emotions around my sexuality caused me to actually carry stress in my vagina that manifested as vaginal irritation. She, my pussy, was talking to me and I wouldn’t listen.
Long story short, I found out that my son’s father had been watching pornography without my knowledge for years. The revelation of his porn habit was a reminder of my complicated feelings around sexuality. It threatened my sense of safety and brought up triggers for me. I felt like my entire past had come and slapped me in the face. On top of all that was a huge hit to my self esteem and self worth. I wondered why “I wasn’t enough” and why he had to find solace in other naked women. Deep down, I understood it. Buried deep inside me was a woman who got off on watching other women come. It was a confusing time, one filled with shame, desire, and anger.
Then, a miracle happened. We found MakeLoveNotPorn. Though I was initially resistant, my curiosity and desperation for connection kicked in. I agreed to “just look” at the website. I came across an intro video by Honey and Bear. I felt my body relax. These were people who didn’t look like what I was expecting — they looked like high-vibe loving people. I agreed to watch one of their #realworldsex videos because they felt so natural. After that, my son’s father and I set a MLNP date weekly.We always watched the Honey and Bear videos until I graduated to exploring more videos. What I discovered was that the MLNPstars felt authentic. Watching them felt safe enough for me not to have past triggers arise. The intro videos helped immensely because the MLNPstars felt personable and real. Before I realized it, I stopped feeling sexual shame. I noticed that the people I was watching had bodies like mine. They weren’t all perfectly Brazilian waxed. Some had mom tummies, there were back rolls, they made noises that weren’t fake, and it was all still hot! Some couples would sneak in sex while their kids were at school or taking a nap, which I could relate to. Basically, MLNP felt relatable. These people had sex like me and it was hot. My confidence skyrocketed! I realized my desires weren’t dirty — other women wanted the same things I did! I also began to discover ways to have sex that I didn’t know about before or know that I wanted. MLNP gave me a new and more powerful sex education. MLNP is a solution to the problem of sexual shame, helping to normalize sex and watching other’s have it!
Stay Juicy,
If you haven’t already, join us at MakeLoveNotPorn today! MakeLoveNotPorn is pro-sex. Pro-porn. Pro-knowing the difference.
