From VHS to .tv: My Journey to MakeLoveNotPorn
By MakeLoveNotPorn Ambassador Marisa Grant.
If you told me at 14 that I’d be the one that friends run to for sex advice I would’ve laughed in your face. I had my first sexual experience at 14, and now 16 years later — I wouldn’t call myself an expert but I’d say that after a lot of unlearning, I’ve definitely got some tricks up my sleeve!
Growing up, I was definitely a TV kid. I wasn’t on any sports teams, or in any clubs. I was part of my church’s choir and for the most part, I was a pretty sheltered child. After school, I’d rush home to see if “That’s So Raven” was on and then sit there for hours absorbed by what was on the screen. I’d wait for a commercial to come on before swiftly making my way to the bathroom to whiz because I didn’t want to miss a second. TV was my escape from my dull life. It’s where I saw and began to model my social interactions. My first idea of sex was based on what I’d see on a screen, from a Pay-Per-View movie or a late-night TV series. In movies, there would be this over-the-top passionate, softcore version of sex with lots of kissing and heavy petting. It was always shown as this very intense and intimate moment between characters. But after the much-anticipated lead-up, the screen would fade to black. I’d always wonder “so what did they actually do?”.
I grew up in a religious home and went to a Catholic school. Sex was only for making babies and wasn’t something my family ever spoke about openly. I wondered about the mysterious dark moments, like the one in Love and Basketball where Monica and Quincy make their way to the bedroom and Quincy grabs a condom — after a couple of kisses, and thrusts, it fades to black. That fade-to-black moment piqued my curiosity.
As a kid, my parents worked a lot, so after school I’d frequently be home alone until they finished. I loved having these 2 hours of freedom. It meant I could watch anything I wanted. I remember being 12, and diving into the stack of VHS’s my parents had hidden in their closet. Inside that big black knob-hill farm bin I found some old movies, their wedding video, some broken VHS’s, and a couple without any titles. There was one in particular that caught my eye that day. It had a white box cover with no title on it. I innocently plopped it into the VCR and after a few seconds of static and interlaced lines, there was a very loud rhythmic moan coming from a Black woman, with an ass like I never knew was imaginable, riding her very muscular man in reverse cowgirl. In hindsight, it was beautiful but of course, the TV was at full blast and it frightened the life out of me! I raced to the VCR and hit eject. I caught my breath and asked, “What the heck was that?” Then just like in a movie, my Dad came through the front door. I was still in shock and holding onto the white box cover for dear life. He walked to where I was and examined the room. He instantly saw the bin of movies scattered. I was too stunned to speak, but he looked at the VHS in my hand and asked me to hand it over. He laughed and said something like “Why are you going through my things?” I said nothing and then he tossed the VHS in the garbage. Always being eco-friendly, I dumpster-dived in search of it the next day without luck. To this day I’m endlessly curious about that tape: Where did he get this tape? Why did he toss it out so quickly? Why did I have the volume up so loud? The only answer I did have was that this was definitely what went on after that fade-to-black.
After that, I became much more sneaky. I stealthily made my way to the after-dark TV shows, learning from the OG Sue Johanson, watched the iconic L Word series, fell into the rabbit hole of Passa Passa videos, and had to lie my way out of wild “accidental” Pay-Per-View charges: “I clicked it by mistake, I was trying to get the Disney movie”. It opened my eyes in beautiful ways, I was able to see pleasure, self-pleasure, queerness, and wild heroic sex positions inspired by dancehall music. I formed ideas about how to have sex based on very cinematic, impractical, and adventurous cultural influences.
When I finally did have sex, I was consistently disappointed. This disappointment wasn’t only because I had to do 10 Hail Marys to repent after I decided to confess my sins to my school’s Chaplain, but because I set very unreal expectations for how sex should be done. It took me years before it actually became pleasurable. I saw this, even more, when it came to queer sex. Don’t get me wrong, I do love a great storyline — but I found that as I grew into my queer identity, porn sites only showed me a version of queer sex that felt fake. I’d see videos titled “Scissoring” where two women who likely weren’t even queer; would hover over each other’s clits while moaning according to the script. For this reason, I spent the early part of my queer life faking it until I made it. I’d always rush past the foreplay and get right to business. I’d strap up and be quick to get into the intense thrusting. Or I’d circle my tongue around my lover’s clit like I was unlocking a safe. In my mind, each moan meant I was closer to getting her to orgasm. I just copied what I remembered men would do when we’d have sex.
It took a few years of being a pillow princess to really understand that an orgasm doesn’t have to be the end goal. I slowly learned how satisfying and sensual foreplay could be. The sex I wanted to see and have was passionate and involved varied bodies and skin tones. I wanted to see real people. I wanted to see real sex!
In early 2021, I stumbled upon Cindy Gallop’s TED talk about the Social Sex Revolution and was elated because this was exactly it. “Make Love Not Porn” were a combination of words I had been trying to shove down search engines before I finally found it. I’ve since signed up and have been very satisfied with how real, raw, and inspiring the queer videos are that the queer MakeLoveNotPornstars create. You get a glimpse into the real intimacy and connection they share.
One of my favorite MLNPstars is enbydreamings; as a non-binary person myself it’s so validating to see stars who share this identity. They have a clip titled “our first tape together” and it is so sweet and intimate to see them with their partner being playful and sweet yet vulnerable and sexy. This is the sex I strive to have. I’m so eager to be part of the team and this movement. Queer identity is so complex and the sex we have as queer people doesn’t look just one way. It’s both validating and important to be able to see what real queer sex looks like. I hope to recruit more queer MLNPstars so that more queer folx can feel represented and able to witness how beautiful #realworld queer sex can be too.
Join the Social Sex Revolution and sign up for a MLNP account today!
