Forget Fully Alive! Let’s get Fully Laid!
By MLNP Ambassador Marisa Rose Grant
Growing up in a Catholic school, I felt like I was in the middle of a bad comedy sketch. One minute we were being taught that sex is a sin, and the next minute we were learning about the “miracle of life”. It was like trying to navigate a minefield while wearing a chastity belt. It was confusing and as I grew older I realized this narrative was a huge source of sexual shame for me. I genuinely feared going to hell for having sex. When I’d watch porn or mastubate I’d be filled with guilt and immediately pray to repent for my sins. For a long time I’d also feel so disgusted with myself after having sex that just didn’t feel right. Thankfully, discovering the queer community has been instrumental in showing me how shame-free and enjoyable sex can be. Being a part of this community has allowed me to explore my sexuality in a way that feels authentic and liberating. It’s given me the courage to shed the societal expectations and restrictions that had been placed upon me and embrace my desires. It’s been a journey from those “fully alive” textbooks, shame-y nicknames, and body counts to exploring all the nooks and crannies of my body with pride and excitement.
I like to call myself a pleasure producer. To me this means I have a very hedonistic attitude towards sex. So if you know me, through my social media it might come as a surprise to you that I attended a Catholic school for most of my schooling, I have a unique perspective on sex positivity. I mean, can you imagine learning about sex from a textbook called “Fully Alive”? For anyone unfamiliar with this title, it was a textbook that played a huge part in the Ontario Catholic curriculum in Canada. In the corniest way possible, it would address topics like marriage, love, sex, and family through a faith-based lens. It was extremely outdated and recently got a lot of media attention after rightful accusations of pushing transphobia. Fully Alive was more like a guide on how to be a saint than a guide to getting fully laid. Growing up, I was bombarded with shame and negative messages about sex from the church, school, and tv. Christianity taught me that premarital sex was a sin and that same-sex relationships were wrong. This resulted in a whole lot of confusion, shame, and internalized homophobia.
In high school, I had the biggest crush on a guy named Nevaun because he looked just like Trey Songz. He had the braids and the swag. All the girls loved him! This was grade 9 and the boys in school were super sexually charged. One day after English class, Nevaun asked me for my MSN. I was so gassed! We weren’t allowed to have phones in class so I got a pen and wrote it on the outside of his hand. Later that night I logged onto MSN to accept his request. I remember quickly taking a cute new selfie to make my display picture before hitting him with a “heyyy”. We chatted a bit and he asked me the basics like “what’s your fave color?”. The conversation quickly lead to him asking me if I wanted to go to A&W with him for lunch. I obviously said yes! But played it “chill” by saying “sure”. Fast forward to the next day. I made sure I looked extra cute that day and hiked my quilt up so high! It’s lunchtime and I see him by my locker. We start to go for a walk to the A&W. It was the most awkward 10-minute walk because we both didn’t have much to say. As we approached the A&W Nevaun turns to me and says, “Are you coming to the bathroom with me? You’re giving me brains right?”. He essentially was asking me if I was going to give him fellatio in this dirty A&W bathroom. I was shook because I thought he was taking me on a date! This flip in the script was so disappointing that I stormed out of the A&W and got a slice of pizza next door instead before walking back to school disappointed. What made things worse was that because of this rejection, he went on to tell all his friends that I’m a “brainer”. While this was completely untrue, this was my first introduction to being slutshamed. I grew up in Brampton, Ontario. A very diverse city filled with so much culture because of all the immigrants who came here for a better life and more affordable homes. With the beauty of diversity also came a variety of traditional and religious values that passed onto their children. In my community, there was so much shame around sex but even more specifically; oral sex, not being a virgin, and having a “body count” higher than one. If you did any of this, it suggested that someone’s value decreased the more sexual encounters they had. This notion perpetuated harmful and oppressive ideas about sex and sexual relationships. The shame I felt after “losing” my virginity also contributed to my negative view of sex. I always felt like I had to be dishonest about my sexual past experiences to avoid looking “dirty”.
But then, I found the queer community, and everything changed. I went to my first gaybar for a friend’s birthday party. The iconic Toronto staple “Crews N Tangos”. It was right in the center of the Gay Village. It was there that I got to see drag queens singing their hearts out and seductively filling their panties with cash tips from the audience. I saw men making out at the bar, women dancing close and doing the “knee thing”. I’ve been to tons of straight clubs and haven’t seen so many expressions of sexuality. I think that since queer folks have historically been marginalized and oppressed by mainstream society, and have often faced both discrimination and violence for just existing. As an act of resistance to this, many in the queer community have taken ownership of their bodies and sexualities as a form of self expression. With more people being publicly queer and with more representation in mainstream media through shows like Queer eye, The Ellen Show, and Rupaul’s drag race it’s clear that the queer community has played a pivotal role in the resurgence of sex positivity. We’ve embraced our sexuality and redefined what it means to have a healthy sexual relationship. In queer relationships, gender roles are not as rigidly defined, allowing for a more fluid and inclusive understanding of sexual expression. Let’s not forget about the kink and BDSM communities, which are predominantly queer. These communities have pushed the boundaries of what is considered acceptable sexual behavior, and have led to a more sex-positive culture. They’ve shown us that sex can be safe, consensual, and oh-so-fun.
Of course, there are still plenty of harmful beliefs and practices surrounding sex. The idea of “body counts” is just one of many oppressive notions that need to be left behind. I think it’s time to embrace a more open and positive understanding of sexuality and move towards a Social Sex Revolution at MakeLoveNotPorn, where our community is welcomed with open arms. We must continue to challenge harmful beliefs and practices around sex. Let’s ditch the shame and stigma surrounding sex and embrace a more open and positive understanding of sexuality. MakeLoveNotPorn is spearheading the Social Sex Revolution that so many others are also working to make happen - in addition to subscribing to MLNP, I encourage you to check out videos from sex-positive educators and influencers, such as Luna Matatas, Dr. Donna Oriowo, and one of my favorite people on the Planet, Yaz Harris. Trust me, your sex life will thank you.
To get you off on the right foot, indulge in these sexy queer real world sex videos! You can find some of my favorite videos on MakeLoveNotPorn here, here and here.
Join the Social Sex Revolution and sign up for a MLNP account today!
