A Confession. A Love Story. And Advice.
I have a confession.
I had plans of writing this piece in June to honor Loving Day. If you’re unfamiliar, Loving Day is a holiday commemorating the 1967 Supreme Court abolition of state bans on interracial marriage. Before 1967, interracial marriages (primarily between white and Black couples) were illegal in many states. The violation of these laws was punishable by jail time, family separation, loss of housing and police sanctioned violence.
As a Black woman currently married and partnered to white men, and as a Dominatrix who prefers to dominate and control white men, I see the value in speaking about my experience navigating these dynamics. Yet, I found my resolve challenged as I reviewed my words on the page. I’d composed an entire draft on the topic and immediately tore it apart.
Talking about this is hard.
Over half a century after the Supreme Court’s ruling, digging into the topic of interracial relationships is still taboo, and let’s be honest, mainstream porn isn’t helping. We have a lot to learn about navigating — and observing — romantic and sexual relationships that cross socially constructed racial boundaries.
In mainstream porn, interracial sex is fetishized to the point of practically being a kink. Black men and women are labeled with words that lack humanity, even by porn standards. We are not cast as love interests, but rather as props and tools of conquest and pleasure.
For Black women in the dating scene, being approached by white men is like playing a game of Microaggression Roulette. Piece of advice for white men — or anyone — interested in Black women: That well-meaning compliment on the Blackness (or lack of Blackness) in our features ain’t it. That goes double for observing our behavior using racial stereotypes. And triply for the compulsion to call us Ebony Queens or Ebony Goddesses. All of these things are fetishizing as fuck and you’re telling on your porn viewing habits. No judgement, but stop.
Why then, as a Black woman, would I ever want to date white men?
Because ethical bedfellows make excellent allies.
Let’s begin here: I am selective about who I date. I choose partners not only for sexual compatibility, but also social, emotional and ethical compatibility.
When I met my husband, I was the first Black woman he’d ever dated. To be fair, he was the first white man I ever wanted to marry. It was clear our relationship was breaking generational curses. We came together over awkward first kisses that grew into mind-blowing, neighbor-disturbing sex, that stretched into years and years of deep companionship, strong communication and unshakable loyalty.
That loyalty is continuously forged and re-forged through honest, vulnerable conversations about race and privilege. Early on, we discussed the imbalance in race-based social currency between us and the risk of existing in the world as an interracial unit. We’ve had dirty looks, slurs and rocks thrown at us. And on more than a few occasions, I’ve been mistaken for the help. We knew he would very likely lose some of his privilege through proximity to me, but we accepted those risks in exchange for the safety and influence I (and later our child) would gain from proximity to him. We decided to use the privilege between us to loudly denounce injustice as we encountered it. Over the years, we’ve had more than a few “what you NOT gon’ do” conversations with family, employers and schools.
I discovered an ally in my husband, and it’s changed our lives. Later, when we opened our relationship and I began seeing other men as a Tantric Dominatrix, I discovered my husband was also my accomplice. The first of many, in fact. He became the blueprint on how I navigate dating and dominating white men.
As I type this, a white man is massaging my feet and worshipfully kissing my toes. My white husband, who cooked my breakfast, is working in his office downstairs. When he’s not working, he runs tech support for my monthly MakeLoveNotPorn #RealWorldSex watch parties (the next one’s on the 20th!). White men chauffeur me, comfort me, tend to my home and help raise and protect my child. And that’s just within my intimate relationships. As a Domme, my white male servants are expected to kneel before me and put my pleasure before theirs.
My golden rule: If you see and admire the beauty in my Blackness, I’m going to need you to also see and wield your privilege in support of the power in my Blackness.
I collect my reparations by dating white men.
Because oppression can only be dismantled by those in power who are willing to relinquish it for good.
See more of Goddess Erica on MakeLoveNotPorn. You can also find her on Twitter and Instagram.
