5 Things About Sex After Baby (That No One Tells You!)
Postpartum Sex: What New Parents Really Need to Know
by Abigail Mlinar Burns
My spouse and I like the method through which we became parents as much as we like being parents. Parenting changes you, yes, but it didn’t change our longing for each other — quite the opposite, actually.
After I gave birth, we were soaking in the magic of our new baby and responsibilities… and still wanted intimate time with each other. But we’d just watched a baby leave my body, and didn’t want to cause harm, physically or emotionally.
I looked to midwives, OBs, and even stranger moms on the internet for guidance on what I could do in the realms of doing, before doing it. But we found a surprising lack of good postpartum sex advice.
Here are the lessons I, now a mother of two, learned about intimacy for new parents, and what I wish we were told about having sex after babies, before the babies.
1. EMBRACE THE (HORMONE) LOVE DRUG
Your postpartum hormones might make you hornier than you’ve ever been. Days after giving birth, I was overcome with a primal longing.
Our midwives said I might have “big feelings” when my milk came in. But that didn’t quite capture the love flood. I was overcome with appreciation, awe, devotion, and desire to feel my partner around, and within.
Whether it was my animal brain, wired to secure my protection, or my expression of love multiplied by hormones, I wish I was prepared for the trip.
Tip: Around baby’s second or third day, aim to have no visitors, and be where you feel safest. Plan to embrace your loves — literally. Create a nesting doll with arms wrapping around partners and babies.
2. GET INTIMATE, GET SEXUAL (SEX ISN’T JUST PENETRATION)
Or SEX DOESN’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS
Or YES, PENETRATION IS OFF. NO, SEX ISN’T
We were told, “don’t have sex for six weeks.” But sex isn’t exclusively penetration, so we didn’t quite listen.
It’s true that it can take six weeks for a cervix to bounce back from the dilation required to birth a baby. Entering a vagina (with anything) before the cervix closes puts the womb wound at risk of infection. Cesarean births, perineal tears, and episiotomies can extend healing time. Some people’s physical healing is nothing compared to the emotional healing from a traumatic birth. But none of these factors were considered when we were told “six weeks,” after our first baby was born.
I like sexual connection. It’s a major part of my love expression. My husband took incredible care of us and it turned me on. I wanted to show my appreciation. So, we got creative.
I verbally expressed my devotion, with milk-hard boobs on display. My partner touched himself while I watched. He made a pillow-recliner for me where, without muscle use, he could use my mouth as a tender toy. I came from his touch and vibration over my underpants. The orgasmic contractions squished my post-birth uterine blood out quicker than gravity. That’s all 100% sex. Zero health risks included.
Tip: Try mutual masturbation. Try touching each other with your words. Try touching each other everywhere but your genitals.
3. THE FIRST TWO WEEKS CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOUR SEXUAL FUTURE
Or, REST! THE TWO WEEKS AFTER BIRTH CAN IMPACT YEARS OF DESIRE
Those first two weeks of postpartum recovery are crucial. Rush, and you might mess up your sexual satisfaction for years.
The physical and emotional side effects of not letting your body properly heal after the marathon upon marathons that is birth can and does impact health for decades.
Global cultures have known this, prescribe this, and prioritize this, but it was a revelation for my American programming.
I didn’t do this very well after our firstborn. I climbed stairs. I tidied up — it’s almost involuntary. My body suffered the consequences.
The best thing you can do for your sex life is to let your body heal and do nothing for two weeks (or more).
Tip: Do as little as possible. If your means or family dynamic allow, consider the “5–5–5 rule” of five days in the bed, five days near the bed, and five days around the home.
4. STRESS IS A BIOLOGICAL COCKBLOCK
When you’re stressed, your body slows down sexual functions — from desire, to the vaginal microbiome’s balance.
I learned this the hard way. In the parental stress window that the Surgeon General says is a public health crisis. Pushing myself when my body told me otherwise, led to vaginal dysbiosis (an imbalance of bacteria which can result in yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis) that shut things down longer than if I’d just chilled.
As a team, my partner and I learned to minimize our stress, together, which improved our sex life, together.
Tip: Decide what is essential and what you’re willing to live without. Can the dust wait, but your laundry can’t? Ditto. Can you share your bed to avoid extraneous movement for nighttime feeds? Same. Can your social life cool down, but your relationship can’t? Ditto.
5. YOUR SEX LIFE DOESN’T DIE — IT TRANSFORMS
Parenting comes with change, but the constant is my partner.
We might not have morning quickies, and midday romps require scheduling stars to align, but our connection is deeper than ever.
Different doesn’t mean worse. We have just as much sex, and we agree, it’s hotter than ever. We’ve got a whole new Jungian dynamic to play with ;)
Tip: You know what to do! You did it to become parents. If you need community and inspiration on your sexual evolution, there are many couples on pregnancy journeys sharing their conception and post-partum sex on MakeLoveNotPorn. Here are a bunch to explore: casia, IPHUKNLVU, Drew & CeCe, BeebeXO, Mrslexiwoods420, SexMagic, UntamedOrc, cosmonaut, ezdoesit, and RichEdge.
I’ve found having a happy, healthy sex life postpartum requires the same communication, vulnerability, and connection (to self and partner) as before babies. So, if you’re pregnant and looking to prepare for your postpartum period… before painting a nursery, why not start a conversation with your partner about your vision for your postpartum sex life?
It’s hard to know how you’ll feel on the other side, but the chats will keep you close when a tiny wonder joins your family. As parents, there are new impediments to intimacy, but there are also immense opportunities to expand our love, too.
Abigail Mlinar Burns lives in Brooklyn, NY with her spouse and two kids. She writes an “exhibition of love” at Happy Endings on Substack, and is the Head of Sales at MakeLoveNotPorn.
Disclaimer: Always consult healthcare providers for personalized medical advice tailored to your specific postpartum recovery.
